Trauma—a word that resonates deeply for many first responders, yet remains difficult to fully unpack. For those in emergency services, the demands of the job often come with a cost, one that can seep into every corner of their lives, including their most cherished relationships. As a retired firefighter and paramedic, and now a licensed therapist, I’ve experienced this firsthand. My journey through trauma, its impact on my marriage, and my eventual path to healing have shaped the perspective I’m sharing here.
The Hidden Costs of Service
I became a paramedic firefighter in 1996 and a full-time firefighter in 2002. By 2014, I developed PTSD—a reality all too common among first responders. My symptoms were varied and relentless: disrupted sleep, memory gaps, hallucinations, and a pervasive sense of withdrawal. Social isolation became my shield, fueled by a fear response that I couldn’t fully articulate. I told myself I didn’t like people anymore, but in truth, I was afraid of being vulnerable.
Over time, these symptoms spilled into my marriage. Trauma had dulled my capacity for joy and connection, leaving my partner feeling unloved and unwanted. I had no words to explain why my sex drive had disappeared or why anger and defensiveness had become my default responses. Looking back, I realize how much of this was fear manifesting as emotional distance and conflict.
The Turning Point
In 2021, my PTSD reemerged, and I was forced to reckon with its grip on my life. With the guidance of my psychologist, I stepped off the ambulance for good and pursued a new path—becoming a therapist. Those two years of education were as much about psychoanalyzing myself as they were about learning to help others. I gained insights into the ways trauma affects relationships, insights I wish I’d had earlier in my life.
The Intersection of Trauma and Relationships
Trauma often acts as an unseen force in relationships, amplifying conflicts and creating emotional distance. According to the Gottman Institute, 69% of relationship conflicts stem from perpetual problems—issues rooted in fundamental differences between partners. These challenges aren’t solvable, but they are opportunities for growth and deeper connection if approached with understanding and commitment.
Unfortunately, many couples lack the tools to navigate these waters, especially when trauma is involved. My marriage counselor at the time didn’t fully grasp how trauma was shaping my interactions. This lack of awareness left me and my ex-wife unequipped to address the root causes of our struggles. I firmly believe that with better understanding, the outcome might have been different.
Symptoms of Trauma
For first responders and their partners, recognizing the symptoms of trauma is a critical first step. Common signs include:
- Sleep Disorders: Difficulty falling or staying asleep, leading to exhaustion and irritability.
- Memory Gaps: Trauma can disrupt memory processes, causing forgetfulness or confusion.
- Social Withdrawal: A fear-driven response that manifests as avoidance of social situations.
- Anger and Irritability: Often a fear response, anger becomes a way to regain a sense of control.
- Emotional Numbness: A loss of joy and an inability to connect emotionally with loved ones.
- Substance Abuse: Using alcohol, drugs, or food to fill the void left by trauma.
- Invasive Thoughts: Persistent negative thoughts that intrude during quiet moments.
- Depression and Suicidation: A profound sense of hopelessness that can lead to thoughts of ending one’s life.
The Path to Healing
Healing begins with willingness—the courage to step into the pain rather than avoid it. In dialectical behavioral therapy and stoicism, this concept is often summarized as: Pain plus unwillingness equals trauma, but pain plus willingness equals growth. For me, this meant embracing therapy, art, and introspection. One of my paintings, a cherry blossom tree with a bulldog and meerkat, symbolizes this journey. The meerkat represents vigilance, a protector against the dangers I’ve faced, while the overall image conveys a sense of tragic optimism—acknowledging pain while holding space for hope.
Building Resilient Relationships
For couples navigating trauma, understanding its impact is key. Trauma doesn’t have to be a relationship’s undoing. Instead, it can be a catalyst for growth. By learning to face pain together, partners can build a stronger, more resilient bond. This requires:
- Open Communication: Discussing feelings and fears without judgment.
- Therapeutic Support: Seeking guidance from professionals trained in trauma and relationships.
- Shared Commitment: Remaining dedicated to the relationship through understanding and compassion.
Trauma is an undeniable part of the first responder experience, but it doesn’t have to define your life or relationships. By recognizing its effects and committing to healing, you can turn pain into a pathway for growth. For first responders and their partners, this journey is not easy, but it is one worth taking. Together, you can walk through the pain and emerge stronger on the other side.
This blog was taken as an excerpt from Daniel Sundahl’s webinar, hosted by First Response Mental Health. To view the full webinar click here. To learn more about PeerConnect click here. Blog cover image by Daniel Sundahl, All Rights Reserved.